i'll make it look like it never happened.

cold, you shiver
looks like rain
looks like stormy weather
ice, your stare
looks to kill
stare straight through
empty hands, lonely hands
no one understands
hollow, my heart
fall right in, then out
there's nothing there
there's nothing there anymore.

nevermind.

i'm daydreaming of a ghost
inside these hollow walls
pressing my fingers against the edges
trying to find how i got here
your silence has got me numb
we might as well be together
floating through walls
i've turned my eyes and ears off
my brain can only process your absence
but you were never mine to miss
you were never mine.

there's chaos behind those eyes.

i've got pride
layered lies
underneath my eyelids
you've got words
few and far between
short sentences
the end period
i've got this need
growing like a disease
i need it all
the memories
and fantasies
the shadow overhead
it's dark, real dark
and i see no cover in sight.

i'll never tell.

i have a faulty heart
beating in untimely beats
bleeding on my sleeve
and everyone stares.
my imperfection is
getting the best of me
and you, you are so innocent
three hundred something miles away
and you're perfect, in your solitude,
unaware.

i wish it wasn't so.

there was fire in your veins
in that summer of salt and rain
pictures of empty rooms
burned into your memories
turning pale under the streetlight
you swore upon your life
that it was all fiction and smoke
and nothing could feel this way
like drowning under icy waves
over and over again
now you're left with missing pieces
and every breath leaves you hollow
knowing that there is another day
of going backwards all alone.

this is only temporary.

i'm filled with paper waves
creating ripples in my veins
starving to the bone
i've got my suitcase clutched
in my shaky hands
walking away feeling empty
worried about my posture
faking smiles, not all the way
i want your arms on either side
my safety, my goodbye

i give up.

i want to dissolve
into the trees
fall asleep
inside its leaves
and just wait
for you.

when i said what i said, i didn't mean anything.

i want to crawl inside, behind your eyes
i could live inside your underlines,
in between your pencil lines
pick apart your brainy thoughts,
and make a nest
in the bottom left corner
of your beating heart.

i want to make a mistake.

i can feel myself slipping
the space between
my bones and skin
red and screaming
torn in two
the flood or dry land

this could very well be the truth.

i'm so scared
that you don't ever think about me
and terrified,
that you are all i think of
and i want to go back
and say how i felt the second i felt it
and tell you the truth,
everything about me
like i wanted you to keep me safe
and i'd have held your hand any day, every day
but i act so tough with all my heavy walls
you broke them all down,
but i made you think they were made of stone
and now i think you're made of the same
when i saw you there, standing in the dark
my heart skipped a beat for the rest of the night
i'm not so tough, i'm not so brave
i hugged you and i felt sadness and joy
i wanted everything to be in a different place
and your stare would have lasted minutes longer
and i wouldn't have turned and walked away.

rainy days and mondays always get me down

i'm sick inside
my head is full of bees
attracting the opposites
i am only a distraction
no stars tonight
i'm covered in the dark
floods and moths right oustide
i wish you'd open my door
and i'd wash away
no boat in sight
i'd wash away under an empty sky

sometimes these things happen.

cold air blowing from the ceiling
sad songs coming through the speakers
crying like i did when i was younger
even my bones feel all alone

bad movie repeat.

get out of my head
unwanted obsession
tainted black memory
you make me sick
numbness is better
numbness would be perfection
static for my eyes
simple, noise
drown your voice out
forget and not regret

even.

my heart pounds
what is too much?
you told me too much
my thoughts drip like water
and seep into the the cracks
and dry up under the floorboards
i'm mistaken, you were a mistake
what is too far?
i took it too far
my plans, all wrapped up in glass
i went to take your hand
and then it all was broken
what makes it someone's fault?
lies in the corners of your smile
your honesty looked nice on paper
until i lit the match
it's all my fault,
it's all your fault.

no sleep never.

toss, toss, turn.
i wonder if you're sleeping well.
toss, toss, turn.
i hope your eyes are wide.
it's almost 4am.
i hope your eyes are wide open.

it's never too late to start lying to yourself and others.

there is something terribly wrong
in mind, and heart
a misfortune to have ever known
that beings walk this earth
and lie, and cheat, and smile
mostly people like you
all the games i never wanted to play
i'm picking up the cards right alongside
guessing wrong, too high, always too high
always losing with every hand, every time
i never wanted you
until it was all i wanted
and everywhere, you are everywhere
there is something terribly wrong
in my mind, and my heart
you are everywhere, everywhere

just let it go, already.

of all the boys, i ever loved,
i keep going back to you,
and every time i leave,
you keep a piece of my heart.
will i ever get the pieces back?
pretty soon, i'll be left with nothing.
just a hole in chest.
nothing to beat inside.
nothing to let me know i'm alive.

self portrait.

unraveling
skin stretched over bone
bruises, bruises
shadows under eyes
disappearing
through the cracks
and under covers
slipped through
cold fingers
lonely, lonely

the pretender.

i never knew
my heart could survive
all these hours
longer than the last
i never felt loss
like i do now
every day
like reading a novel
always missing a page
so nothing makes sense
i could be walking backwards
i could be falling apart
and no one would ever know it
i never knew i could lie
so well, quite well
everything is fine
everything is fine.

i wish you smoked.

it felt like smoke and choke
like we just got here
and already they're kicking us out
palms flat, pennies, here's my story
i'd let my lips touch yours once more
for memories, even shaky and bitter
no apologies, just still, just stare
i'm grown up, a grown up
lying there lying, breathing in, out
if you were scared, i was more
and my heart never learned to be stone
i melt, i fall, i break, and mend (slightly)
so quickly you came, and went like smoke
and i choked on every part of all of you.

bet you didn't know i couldn't swim.

never again.
i was safe
in shallow water,
you, and your mystery
pulling me in the deep
and let go
i sink, lower
where's your hand?
lower, breathing in
i'm heavy now,
you watch me drown.

potential for disaster.

i think i need a paper bag
and deep breaths, steady
in, in, out, hear me out
a few steps back
my heart is growing
thawing out
i'm clawing at the walls
never know if i am ready
never know anything
nervous, shake, and shiver
your few steps back
i'm rethinking everything
alone, alone, alone
i should stay this way
maybe i should stay the same.

new skin, new territory.

thinking in blurs
oh, dear
i remember forgetting
pitch black kisses
shivers in my spine
stop, hault, stay put
just a little fall,
straight lines, i'm trying
your hands, a storm
no shoreline in sight
but i am safe til morning.

now, now, slow, down.

cement head
drip, drip
frozen fist
and delicate
floating up
calm me down
slow to speak
quick to fall
eyes wide
hammer to heart
break me down

swimming is like drowning when your feet are filled with lead.

this is not about you
but my cheeks say different
pleasant pain
surprise lights upstairs
few words, that stereo song
this feels safe, like drowning
you feel safe, like home
repeat, my lips that move
my awkward rhymes
i'm following your lead,
but from far away
there's a body of water
between and deep
i never learned to swim
but lessons, i 'll take
with shaky limbs,
across, close, then closer.

loose lips sink ships.

i failed
footsteps turned
the opposite way
i fall short
this is what they speak of
with lips not red enough
or eyes not deep
no, more hurtful still
my tattered life
crumbling the more i say
this is what i want
our unrequited dreams
i will never be what you want
this is what they speak of
and words fail me now.

protect what beats inside.

in that moonlight haze
i feel hesitation in my bones
and will my roots start spreading
deeper if you choose to stay
that tingle in my fingertips
a light when you are in sight
i'm broken and bruised,
whirlwind brain, cement walls up
every solitary second, torn
i'm crawling upside down
blindfolded, limbs out, reaching
i want, i want, i want
everything i cannot have

vulnerable is a word that tastes bitter in my mouth.

i want everything
and nothing
i want your hands
but only for a few minutes
the ocean is screaming
and i want nothing more
all the waves
blue and deep
salt in my skin
i want that ache
but it could kill
your brutal stare
is leaving me underwater
shiver and drown
my eyes are fixated
on the crack in the sky
i'm losing color
i want it all
so i can disappear inside

trust no one.

smoke in my curls
slip off into the night
stockings on sticks,
colored green
aware of my heart beat
amber in the air,
soaking in my skin
alert, aware, awake
scared, that look in your eye
no one's secret is safe
standing barefoot
in the cold,
you could have stolen my soul

last lonely thought.

the scent of vanilla,
and red eye salt.
i'm fading fast.
i don't know
which shape to take,
but if you're scared,
i am too.

lady armor.

i'm taking cover
cover you
feeling it all
you're saturated
i'll take the blow
so you can breathe
and fall back down
so your legs stand straight
and your heart beats
steady and sure
you should know
i'm not so brave
but sword in hand
always for you

friends vs "friends"

you are not worth it
yet, i tear my hair, still
your glare haunts, it hurts
like broken glass in crooked teeth
i shutter, you shake your head
like i'm unworthy
a pill, jagged, can't go down
this is all that's left of us
two bitter bodies
i float and forgive
you boast, chew on regret
fair and gone, i wipe my hands
a hypocrite, i leave you just the same

a premature flight.

just remnants
cold and bruising
pale bones, delicate
stolen thoughts
hush, don't tell
empty pockets
fire escape fall
holes in my wings
holes in my wings

panic. rinse. repeat.

chewing off red paint
busy, busy inside
these bones shake
my blood flow slow
bright white night
piano sounds pound
i'm dripping ice
marching in place
fire in my chest
coughing up the best
i'm intrigued
scared of hollow speak
fear in syllables i leak
i am weak, i am weak
i am weak

a chill.

white night, snow lit
buried cars, stay indoors
all these minutes
calculating when
too soon, slow down
watch your step
we're trying to be grown up
but i'd say i miss you
if i knew you better.

you've got nerve, but i'm preoccupied.

this glass is half empty
stagnant
with a little light
shining through
open wide
bitter stares
and knives in backs
don't swallow down easy
i'm itching to take it back
pull the thread a little more
and leave a handprint
red on your cheek
with satisfaction
but drinking guilt down
with my coffee come morning.

my version of what could happen.

feathers, down, down
a hint of dark around the corner
the back of your head
is a calm to my heart racing
see-through flower petals
falling down on my cheeks, flushed
flashes of skin
the grass is mile high
i breathe your breath
a winter mingle collide
my toes need stepping on
i want to dance in the fog
and lay in feathers, down, down
midnight lessons, keep them close
the engine's running
and i forget where my nerves have gone.

a very short biography.

i feel worn
unfit
the aftermath
of a small disaster
a half of a second
intrigued, then closing doors
permanently mediocre
i'm a leaking faucet
emptying out
small portions of me
bones
and green eyes
are all that remains

your drugs found their way in.

it's an eye glance shiver
curled lip sparks and nerves
awkward, side by side
turning off tornado thoughts
tonight is just ordinary
words might be falling false
a maybe, premature cracks
scared and familiar, secrets
i am just ordinary
fingers crossed, hidden
a turn away, hushed sighs
cautiously falling
you, a glimpse of the opposite

sap.

i'd turn the streets into trampolines
and bring the ocean to your knees
catch fireflies in broken glass jars
you are free
whenever you please
fly to me
and bring the sea
if you please
fill in the blanks
a wink, your name carved in my tree
stacks of books, you can wear my broken glasses
i'd read to you sweet, with the ocean at our knees
a hundred birds on telephone wires
is best i know how to say, you make me feel
and maybe a windy day with the windows down.

three seconds before sleep.

wait, they're falling
a slow fade, burning
up, down
drifting
in, out
what's that sound?
thunder, rumble
distant trains
a whistle, the wind
and in my ear, a buzzing
calling
singing
close them, gentle
blackest black
it's over now
lie still
wait, the fade
the day, the end

" i just don't think i'll ever get over you."

heart beats
salt and memory
missing
the shape of you
never gone
dead petals
broken me
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
still.

exclamation points.

It’s ringing, It’s humming.
You disappoint.
Of course.
I’m making mistakes,
And tripping on them,
Over and over,
And over and over.
I’ll bend like this,
If you say it’s ok.
Screaming silently,
It’s not ok!
It’s not ok!
These strings attached,
I made them for you.
Make me move.
Fall down,
And down and down.
My catastrophe heart,
It’s ringing, it’s humming.

careful, honey, lies are heavy.

There are bees on your lips.
Knives in your back.
Fall flat.
Kissing strangers
A liars’ handshake
Never say always
Never say right.
Mountains on your shoulders
Bent knees won’t make the mile
You’re a crack in the sky
A dead leaf forest
Never lie down.
Never shut both eyes.
There are bees on your lips
Poison in that tongue.
Take a bow.
Blow us a kiss.

cold conversations.

winter hands, hollow me out
empty dry, a release, i need
these city buildings are tragic
tall like forest trees
and swallowing me bit by bit
an innocent bird growing bitter
lost in all the dead leaves falling
burying any living soul below
second hand smoke reruns and
brand new piles of fear each morning
mystery bruises, lonesome nights
winter cold, fall asleep inside my bones
break apart, awakening, i ache
identical shadows, flashes, smiles
backwards feet, never ending pavement
winter breeze, tell me a story
forgive, forget, follow through
drowning underneath your frozen touch
eyelids shut, lips parted, i breathe in.

streetlights welcome me home.

There’s this streetlight in front of my house that flickers on, dimly, then off, out completely.
Every night it talks to me through my window, sending messages with its streetlight code.
It says as long as its heart still beats, I should stay put, keep my things on this very spot
But as soon as the light inside burns out, its final spark will tell me it’s time to move on.


So, I wait.