sometimes these things happen.

cold air blowing from the ceiling
sad songs coming through the speakers
crying like i did when i was younger
even my bones feel all alone

bad movie repeat.

get out of my head
unwanted obsession
tainted black memory
you make me sick
numbness is better
numbness would be perfection
static for my eyes
simple, noise
drown your voice out
forget and not regret

even.

my heart pounds
what is too much?
you told me too much
my thoughts drip like water
and seep into the the cracks
and dry up under the floorboards
i'm mistaken, you were a mistake
what is too far?
i took it too far
my plans, all wrapped up in glass
i went to take your hand
and then it all was broken
what makes it someone's fault?
lies in the corners of your smile
your honesty looked nice on paper
until i lit the match
it's all my fault,
it's all your fault.

no sleep never.

toss, toss, turn.
i wonder if you're sleeping well.
toss, toss, turn.
i hope your eyes are wide.
it's almost 4am.
i hope your eyes are wide open.

it's never too late to start lying to yourself and others.

there is something terribly wrong
in mind, and heart
a misfortune to have ever known
that beings walk this earth
and lie, and cheat, and smile
mostly people like you
all the games i never wanted to play
i'm picking up the cards right alongside
guessing wrong, too high, always too high
always losing with every hand, every time
i never wanted you
until it was all i wanted
and everywhere, you are everywhere
there is something terribly wrong
in my mind, and my heart
you are everywhere, everywhere

just let it go, already.

of all the boys, i ever loved,
i keep going back to you,
and every time i leave,
you keep a piece of my heart.
will i ever get the pieces back?
pretty soon, i'll be left with nothing.
just a hole in chest.
nothing to beat inside.
nothing to let me know i'm alive.

self portrait.

unraveling
skin stretched over bone
bruises, bruises
shadows under eyes
disappearing
through the cracks
and under covers
slipped through
cold fingers
lonely, lonely

the pretender.

i never knew
my heart could survive
all these hours
longer than the last
i never felt loss
like i do now
every day
like reading a novel
always missing a page
so nothing makes sense
i could be walking backwards
i could be falling apart
and no one would ever know it
i never knew i could lie
so well, quite well
everything is fine
everything is fine.

i wish you smoked.

it felt like smoke and choke
like we just got here
and already they're kicking us out
palms flat, pennies, here's my story
i'd let my lips touch yours once more
for memories, even shaky and bitter
no apologies, just still, just stare
i'm grown up, a grown up
lying there lying, breathing in, out
if you were scared, i was more
and my heart never learned to be stone
i melt, i fall, i break, and mend (slightly)
so quickly you came, and went like smoke
and i choked on every part of all of you.